goooeyness

yesterday my boy came home from school a little subdued. as he ate a snack and drew a picture he said "mummy i don't want to do full days any more. i want to come home." this was so surprising to me as he has loved every minute of school. i sat down and asked if it was because he was tired... or wanted to have more time at home. but i knew there was something bigger in his little frightened eyes. i asked him if something had happened and he nodded but wouldn't tell me more. "it's a secret. i just want to come home after lunch." i tried again gently.. "no i can't tell you it's a secret".  this is agony for a mother.  i explained that i loved him very much and i would not be cross... that it was important that he tell me and i wanted to help him. i panicked at the thought of a relationship where he felt scared or ashamed to tell me things and i wanted to set the precedent now that i won't get cross. eventually he told me that he and a friend had been playing with a dinner lady - taking the red and green cards out of her pocket and then putting them back. eventually she said to stop and "run along or YOU'll get a red card". he had then seen another dinner lady writing on a Red card. the bell rang and play-time was over. he crawled on to my lap and sobbed with complete terror in his voice that he was going to get that Red card tomorrow and would be in big trouble and have to go in to The Office. He pleaded with me to pick him up after lunch through his heart-wrenching gasps and sobs. my heart ached so much in this moment - i felt such immense and gutteral love for this gorgeous little boy (esp as he hadn't done anything wrong) and an overwhelming desire to protect him from a scary situation. i told him i loved him i was proud of him i would take care of it i would talk to his teacher. all he wanted to hear was that i would pick him up after lunch and not make him face that playground and THAT dinner lady. i promised i would if necessary... i would make it ok. i was fairly convinced he had not got a Red card but he was unswervingly convinced that he was in for the worst. in this moment i was so overwhelmed by the feelings that had risen in me. i cried because his fear was so intense and i loved him so deeply and wanted to protect him and make him feel safe. it was extraordinary what a tiny incident could bring up in me - perhaps because school is his first foray out in to a bigger world on his own, without me beside him. it hit me that we have many years of this ahead of us... and i am going to have to toughen up because the daunting situations or trouble he's in will be a lot bigger than this. it made me realise i am a mum and everything in me wants to wrap him up and protect him from the world... but i can't. instead i need to be strong for him - to help him be strong and make good choices.. and when he makes bad ones and fails and messes up or faces daunting things i won't always be able to remove them like i could this time. i'll need to love and support him and send him out again on his own. this is the very beginning of a journey for me. i dont think anything can properly prepare you for the intensity of love & protection - almost to the point of pain - that you can feel for a child. 

here are some muffins that i think go nicely with the gooey lovely feeling of having my boy curled up in my arms needing me more than ever. they are, yet again, very easy... and delicious... and great for packed lunches. i have to thank Bill Granger for this lovely recipe.

raspberry strawberry yoghurt muffins

gather:

185g / 1.5 cups self-raising flour

150g / 1 cup wholemeal self-raising flour

1 tsp cinnamon

155g / 3/4 cup soft brown sugar

1 cup buttermilk (to make buttermilk = combine 1 tbsp white vinegar or lemon juice with just under 1 cup milk and let stand for 5 mins)

1/2 cup plain yoghurt

2 eggs, lightly beaten

2 tbsp vegetable oil

2 cups chopped strawberries & raspberries

1. preheat oven to 180C

2. sift the flours and cinnamon together

3. stir in the sugar and make a well in the centre

4. lightly whisk together the buttermilk, yoghurt, eggs and oil

5. pour wet ingredients in to the well and stir with a wooden spoon until just combined

6. add the berries and stir in very gently

7.spoon in to muffin tin and bake for 20 mins

remembering summer

so we're hurtling towards christmas now and i don't feel i have let go of it being summer. but it is well and truly time to pull out winter coats and hem my boys school trousers so i'm not sending him in shorts all winter. i did make some summer fruit puddings with little Miss M and pop them in the freezer so that in the dead of Winter we can turn the heating up, pull them out, pretend it's summer and perhaps help to relieve our SAD - we can have these little puddings and be reminded of lovely hot summery days filled with summer berries, frolicking in fields and swimming in rivers... and be cheered in our souls.

Mash lots of raspberries and strawberries

whisk a pot of double cream

seive the fruit and mix it in to the cream

squeeze half a lemon in to the mix

add icing sugar to taste

spoon in to little dishes and

place a raspberry on top of each

Ahh those lovely summer days.....

post-ice-lolly wrestle

detox

due to various aches and pains, strange skin rashes and a slight paranoia about what was wrong with me (the doctor found everything to be normal) i thought i would go on a detox and see if i could rid myself of these ailments while also improving my general skintone, vitality, and mood. so i found a cleansing detox that involves a week of eating ONLY green vegetables (plus aubergine and some forms of squash) and lots of garlic and onions. the food should mainly be raw or slightly steamed but i have had the odd sauted meal too. there are a few supplements and a weird cleansing liver flush drink at night that i haven't been able to bring myself to embrace. i thought i would only last a few days on this but i am on Day 6 and i feel great!

the cons:

- i smell like brussel sprouts and garlic

- eating vegetables for breakfast

- constantly chopping vegetables (sore back yesterday)

- overdid it on the garlic one day and had stomach cramps in the night

- extreme tiredness hits me in the afternoon and i have to nap (even for 5 minutes)

- i miss coffee

- i'm addicted to salt
- it is expensive buying SO much fresh veg
- it is more effort in the evening cooking a meal for the family while chopping endless veg for myself

the pros:

- i can eat vast quantities of food

- vegetables have never tasted so good. i notice all their lovely flavours and look forward to a bowl of brussel sprouts

- i can cover my vegetables in olive oil and salt so they taste like a big bowl of chips.

- i dont feel groggy

- my skin is improving

- my ongoing intense hormonal (breast and abdomen) aches have gone

- i was expecting days of intense headaches but have had none! (apparently due to drinking lots of water)

- i'm not eating all the kids leftovers

- i'm thinking about what i eat & practising good discipline
- i feel lighter, more motivated and have more energy
- feels good to give the body a bit of a cleanse
- the kids have been trying and enjoying lots of new vegetables

here are some of my meals:

 a shop

 first breakfast

 lunch

second lunch (same day)

snack (beans and garlic)

 dinner (3 Litres of salad)

breakfast

lunch (3 Litres of salad covered in coconut oil, salt & pepper)

snack (the orange veg is squash)

dinner

allowed myself an egg for breakfast one day because was feeling desperate

this is what i miss and crave in the morning [not allowed anything on this plate at the moment] -

grogginess

yesterday i felt intensely groggy, tired and unmotivated and wanted to eat and eat - i did not want to face tidying and cleaning a messy dirty house and looking after a sick two-year old.

i think i felt like this beacuse a.)the kids are waking before 6am - grr! b.) i am anticipating starting a really strict detox diet (once i have gathered enough ingredients, over-priced Holland& Barrett pills, motivation and self-control) to improve my skin, hormonal balance, mood, vitality - in fear of this i want to eat and eat! c.) i have been looking after a sick two year old and a very tired four year old and wondered by the end of friday whether i had lost all control of my kids and where i had gone wrong as a mother as they both yelled at me. i was sure no-one else's kids behaved this badly - had i set a terrible example to them or are they just typical two and four year olds and i'm setting my standards too high? sam says i have to get over the self-blame because it's not helping anyone and it's not true. he is right but i have to convince my gut of that and switch off the chiding voices in my head.

so in my groggy avoiding state sam said he had to go in to london to collect something from his office - he had some spare free train tickets - why didnt i and little Miss M go with him? i jumped at the idea. we spent from 11am until 3pm travelling in to london and back with no time to stop - train, bus, grab a take-away sandwich, taxi, train. little Miss M was an angel - bundled up warm and resting most of the day... or chatting with strangers on the train. weird and strangely enjoyable to spend a whole day riding public transport... one way to avoid getting on with anything productive. it was nice to be with an adult all day too... and a lovely one at that.

here's a comforting carbonara which will probably only add to the grogginess.. but man it is easy to make and does it taste good.

gather:
tagliatelle for two
1 clove garlic (chopped finely)
3 slices bacon (chopped in to small pieces)
1 oz grated cheddar and parmesan
1 egg
1 tbsp cream

1. boil up some tagliatelle 
3. fry up the bacon and the garlic
4. whisk together the grated cheese, eggs and cream
5. season with pepper
6. when the pasta is cooked, drain it and return to the hot pan. pour the egg mixture plus the bacon over the pasta and slowly stir it.

dealing with a two year old

i currently would benefit from going on a strict diet for health reasons but i can't bring myself to start because i also need comfort food looking after little children. maybe i'll always find a reason to NEED comfort food but right now the kids feel exhausting to me and require a lot of deep-breathing - and cake eating.

Little Miss M screams - she can utter the most high-pitched shrill scream when she doesn't get her way. what have i done wrong? how can i get her to stop? on bad days she screeches and whines so much i want to shake her. its like a drill in the head and the nervous system! as my husband said it is like sandpaper on the brain. i will hold my hands up - i always looked down on people with ferrel children. i didn't realise i would have one. some days little Miss M's hair is dreadlocked and wild and she wont let me near it (even for chocolate!) and she screams and writhes when something goes wrong. she screeched at the top of her lungs in the supermarket a few days ago - writhing in the trolley with pen all over her face.

on days like today i don't want to be around anyone because i am embarrassed by her behaviour. i know how i used to view children who behaved like that and i'd rather not be around others who might be thinking the same. close friends are fine, new friends not. i know they are probably far more generous-hearted than i ever was and feel only compassion for me and understanding for Little Miss M but i do wonder and i wonder if they don't want their child influenced by M's passionate behaviour! i feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and aware of their alarmed looks..  i'm glad she's passionate - it will stand her in good stead in the long run but man it is tiring right now. she is sick with a terrible cold and cough and i have to remember at these times that she can also have very angelic days when healthy and well-rested. but we've had a string of difficult days recently and its wearing me down. 

i have been attending a parenting course at a local church. another mother said to me recently "i don't know why you are doing this course - your daughter is the best behaved child i have EVER met!" i did feel some pride well up in me (of course) and i realised she can be a delight - very responsive and obedient. i also thought - you have no idea!!

her screaming and whining and crying this week has been hugely exacerbated by her being ill. i feel so bad when i have spent two days being really impatient and spending time analysing whether is it my fault my child a.) is miserable and cross and b.) is badly behaved and impossible to discipline, c.) wont eat her food!! ... it then dawns on me that they are actually really ill... as their hacking cough comes to the surface and keeps us all awake all night and their nose properly starts to stream. those two days of impatient mummy dragging them on playdates and to ballet classes and up to London for the day - were probably when they felt totally exhausted and headachey and sore throatey - like we all do when we are coming down with something nasty.... poor little girl.

so for a little comfort for mother's of two year olds.. or as someone said to me "the terrible twos might be bad but just wait for the F_ing fours!"

this is the best banana bread recipe in the world. it comes from the beautiful book Apples for Jam by Tessa Kiros and is an all-time favourite of mine.

gather: 

125g butter
180g dark brown sugar
350g (3 or 4) bananas, mashed
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
250g/ 2 cups plain flour
1 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
3 tbsp warm milk
optional - i made two loaves and added chopped almonds and chopped dried apricots to one

1. preheat the oven to 180C and butter a loaf tin
2. cream the butter and sugar and stir in the bananas

3. add the eggs, vanilla, cinnamon and pinch of salt and mix
4. mix the baking soda in to the milk and stir in to the batter
5. pour mix in to the tin and bake for 50mins or until brown and crusty on top and cooked through. do not overcook as you want the loaf to be moist.

sometimes i double the recipe to make a few loaves for the freezer. i add some nuts and dried fruit to some loaves.

conversation with a four year old

Conversation with a four year old:
Z: "If you die before me, who will look after me?"
Me (trying to be as comforting as possible): "You will be a grown-up and be able to look after yourself.. you will be like Daddy and you might have your own children to look after"
Z: "will i be a Daddy? and who will be Mummy? Do boys marry girls?"
Me: "Yes that's right.. so you could marry Suzy or Milly or Jane"
Z (fascinated by this idea): "Who else?" "Who else?" .. until we had been through most of his friends.. "or M!"
Me: "Well no, you're not supposed to marry your sister. You marry someone from a different family with a different mummy and daddy"
Z: "But Aunty Tri married Uncle Nick and he's from the same family"
Me: " No he is in the same family now because they are married.. but he has a different family and a different Mummy and Daddy to Aunty Tri."
Z: " where does he live?"
Me: " He lives with Aunty Tri but when he was a boy he lived with his Mummy and Daddy in a different house"
Z: "I think I WILL marry M"
Me: "well you're not really supposed to marry your sister."
Z: "well, I will tell the police."

september soul searching

for the first year of little miss M's life, i made these all the time - they were very quick, easy, adaptable, fool-proof, enjoyable for Little Mr Z to help with, and totally fulfilled my breastfeeding-sweet-lardy-carb cravings that accompanied my mid-morning coffee. they could be easily whipped up if guests were coming over for coffee or tea. i wonder how many of these we ate that year!
now it is october a couple of years on and i'm making them again - why? i think in september and october i feel depressed and inspired in round-abouts. i start to re-evaluate my life and how i spend my time and how i relate to and care for my family.. some of it gets me down and i want more, i want change, i want to be better. i write endless lists and ideas, goals, dreams and prayers... i plan new businesses, new health regimes, new menus, new attitudes, new activities, new ways of disciplining, new friendships, new routines... a new me! lets see how much of it sticks. it may all fade and i will find all my lists next september and laugh.. or cry! let's hope the best bits and the manageable bits - the inspired and good bits - stick and make a positive difference. 
i start with a big batch of buttery cookies to eat while i drink coffee and write my lists.

this recipe is on a post-it note with 'favourite easy cookies' scrawled across the top. i think it came from my sister - thanks tri you always inspire me. 

gather:

3.5 cups flour

1.5 cups sugar

1 block butter

2 eggs

optional bits - chocolate chunks, almonds (halved), ground almonds, chopped apricots or raisins ...

1. preheat oven to 150C

2. mix the flour, sugar and butter with your finger-tips until well combined and like a crumble

3. stir in 2 eggs

4. optional - add 1/2 cup of any extra bits (dried fruit, nuts, chocolate)

5. spoon on to a greased tray and bake for 12 mins (remove from oven before they turn brown)

goodbyes

goodbyes with loved ones who live in far away lands are so very painful... they leave an almost unbearable ache in the pit of my stomach.

 after saying goodbye at the airport to my dear big sister and her gorgeous family at the end of the summer, my head, my heart, my tummy, my feet felt achey with heaviness.

there is something so deeply connected about family. something unspoken and visceral - a familiarity and understanding so deep - the shared heritage, childhood experience, way of thinking, way of being. and a longing for our little ones to grow up knowing and enjoying each other... feeling that cousin connection that also runs so deep.

i wanted to eat this entire pile of pastries to comfort myself... but nothing could really fill the void of wanting their company and wanting it to be less time before i see them again.

birthday paella

back in May, after a major roller-coaster with my sister's health and fight against cancer, i just wanted to be near my dear family and spend a lovely evening cherishing them and enjoying the comfort of each other's company. my sister was only a few days post-surgery so all the laughter gave her a very sore tummy and we eventually had to try not to be funny... only serious conversation allowed. my gorgeous Sam cooked a delicious meal for us all. and my niece made home made profita rolls!

we did get in to a long and ridiculous conversation about the price of saffron and what if we paid for things in saffron instead of coins. 

This recipe is from the wonderful Bill Granger. a friend suggested the sliced lemons around the top which was a nice added touch. Sam replaced mussels with diced chicken which worked very well and i would recommend it. 

Gather: 

80ml (1/3 cup) olive oil 

1 chorizo sausage thinly sliced

200g shallots

2 garlic cloves

2 tsp sweet paprika

1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

500g arborio rice

400g tinned chopped tomatoes

1/2 tsp saffron (soaked in 1tbsp water)

1 red pepper

1.25 L (5 cups) chicken stock

300g green beans

18 large raw prawns (shrimp)

300g black mussels (didn't have these in ours as nowhere was selling them that night. you can replace with diced chicken)

2 tbsp chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

ground pepper

1. heat 2 tsp oil in large pan over medium-high heat. add the chorizo (and chicken if using that) and cook, stirring occasionally, for 6-7mins until crisp. remove and set aside.

2. reduce the heat to medium and add remaining oil

3. add the shallots and sprinkle with sea salt. cook & stir for 5 mins. 

4. add the garlic, paprika, cayenne and cook & stir for another minute.

5. add the rice and stir to coat in oil. 

6. add the tomatoes, saffron, pepper and stock. bring to the boil and reduce heat to low, cover - stir occasionally - for 15-20 mins until rice is almost tender.

7. add the beans, prawns, mussels and cooked chorizo (& chicken). cover & cook for another 10 mins, until mussels have opened and prawns are cooked through.(discard any mussels that haven't opened)

8. stir through the parsley and season to taste with salt and pepper.

happy birthday to me. can you believe my 11 year old niece made this fabulous dessert? 

last-minute muffins (no eggs)

These are unbelievably quick to make... seriously they can be in the oven in about 4 minutes! they are not your gourmet muffin but they are brilliant if you need to make a snack or have cakes for friends in a hurry. they are not super sweet - more of a whole wheat and honey mid-morning muffin... chopped fruit of chocolate chips help to sweeten them up a little. The great thing is they don't require any eggs, which is how i came across them. i said i would make cakes for a coffee morning and late at night realised i had no eggs. these are really adaptable so you can add different fruit, nuts, chocolate chips. and they are very easy to make with kids.

Gather:

4 tbsp milk

4 tbsp (100g) butter

4 tbsp honey

4 bananas

2 cups wholemeal self-raising flour

2 tsp baking powder

handful of dried chopped fruit, nuts or chocolate chips

1. preheat the oven to 180C

2. melt the milk, butter & honey in a saucepan over gentle heat. add the bananas and mash

3. pour the wet mixture into a bowl with the dry ingredients and mix gently - add more milk if too dry.

4. gently stir in any extra bits (fruit, nuts or chocolate). i added chocolate chips which melted nicely and swirled in to the mix. little miss m doesn't not like "bits"

5. spoon in to muffin cases (makes 12-18 muffins)

6. cook 180C for 20 minutes or until golden brown